So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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