how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
