You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
