can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
