True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
