I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
