We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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