So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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