Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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