Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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