like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
