I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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