Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
