i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
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I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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