I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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