i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
