Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
