I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we should paint friendship bongs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
