I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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