If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
