Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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