she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
