I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
