How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
