We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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