I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
