I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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