i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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