don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
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I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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