is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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