1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I deserve this hangover.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
