I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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