One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to convert me to islam
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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