It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Drunk is not a location!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
