Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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