Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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