Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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