I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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