The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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