It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
