My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
