Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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