her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
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Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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