cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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