as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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