Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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