I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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