Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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