I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
