My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
