hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
