if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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