God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
