Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
